I've never wanted to see myself as a jealous type of person. I've never dreamed of taking what someone else has because it feels pitiful to be in that state of mind. But I swear, I'm doing everything I can to push it down. It's surfacing and boiling over and I'm in a position where I need to write about it or it'll gnaw at the corners of my mind. I'm drinking, sitting here thinking about how I have nothing, but deserve so much more. How I've been overlooked and underappreciated my whole life and I've been weighing it against my own ability to change my environment. I've been swaddled in anger, seething over something someone else has. It almost seems easy to just go and *take* it.
It's an immature state of mind, to think I'm better or more deserving of anything than anyone else. To think that the world owes me something because I've 'worked hard'. But that is the kick in the ass about the whole thing, ain't it? Working hard doesn't mean anything. My resume say's that Ive worked hard for almost 20 years now but it doesn't seem to really matter. I keep running into people across all walks of life that have way more than they deserve, because they didn't work as hard to have more than me. What's the secret here? Is it really just that they're smarter than me? Is it generational wealth? Are they simply just better than me?
That's a hard pill to swallow.
To know that you're just not good enough.
To know that you've worked so hard your whole life and it just wasn't good enough.
Well what now?
What the hell are we going to do now? I wonder all the time. I wonder why I'm trying at all when I'll never amount to what someone else has become. To see a guy driving by in the car my wife drools over while I sit here with no money, no vehicle, but a WHOLE LOT of experience...I know I don't have a WRX right now, babe, but have you seen how thick my resume is? It's an absolute joke. I've been taking loans against my own potential for way too long and I haven't even been able to pay back on the interest. I've told myself over, and over again how much better I could do someone else's job if I just had their resources and connections. I genuinely do believe that, I really do believe that I could do a better job than most people I come across. I have proven it time and time again that if I were to be thrown in any random situation I would be able to overcome and excel in the task at hand.
Now, see? This is where writing this all down pays off.
Now I believe that my issue here is consistency. I believe that being inconsistent is my biggest issue. I believe people need a dumb, consistent person rather than someone who's overqualified, but unpredictable. That's where I think I'm at odds with the world. I think most people have an innate fear of unpredictability whereas I thrive in adaptation and evolution. I wouldn't say that I'm better than someone who can handle mundane tasks better than me, that's not where this is going. I'm losing ground because I can't stand on anything long enough to call it my own. But how long must I stand here before I get squatters rights?
I've played music and written songs for almost 20 years. I've worked my ass off to run my own construction company for 3 years but it seems like without a $100,000 loan you're basically begging to go under before you even really begin. I see people in positions of power that have only been granted to them by someone with real power. People with way too big of an ego for someone that was simply granted a position. You can act like you're important all day, but you don't own anything without stock in the company. You still answer to someone, you're not writing the check. You're an expensive piece of equipment as far as they're concerned. No matter how expensive, you're still replaceable.
It's the sociopathic personality of a business owner that I actually tend to be jealous of the most. It's the ability to stiff the hell out of someone who's already down on their luck and be able to go to sleep at night. They suffer no recourse, they suffer not their conscience, they suffer none but the tax man. They have the ability to look at someone who is $30,000 in debt and still see a way pitch a sale to them. That also could be my downfall, is that I know too well what it's like to be down and out. To have absolutely nothing but the thoughts in my mind. To know that there isn't a next meal coming, to know how it feels sleeping under a bridge by the railroad, to know that no one is coming to help you. My empathy and my ability to sonder has lead me down some of the worst times in my life. My empathy makes me cut too many people a deal, my empathy makes me want to just 'help out' when someone is hurting instead of tacking another bill on top of them.
But why would I feel so bad if they wouldn't do the same for me?
Why should I feel empathy for a stranger just because their situation seems dire?
I know it seems noble, I know it feels good when you get praise at the end of a job, but when they have nothing else to offer, I guess praise is better than nothing. That's the thing, thats the driving force here. As ironic as it sounds, 'nothing' has meant everything to me. I feel like it's easier for the sociopathic business tycoons to take from people who have nothing because they have never actually experienced what 'nothing' is. I would take their stories about how they got up from their bootstraps and throw it away. Wad it up, chew it up, spit it at the ceiling. No sensible businessman would ever spend his own money on anything. To learn to be a good bussinessman, you have to learn how to manage 'imaginary money'. Imaginary money is the money people don't have to give you, but they gave it to you anyway. Normal people can call it a loan or a finance, but a good businessman can call it 'unrealized profits' and make it move anyway.
I feel like I've lost the plot here and I'm just rambling, but that's fine. I gotta get these thoughts out somewhere. They don't make sense in a song, they're too resentful and busy. These words are trapped in my head and writing them down here seems to be the only way to get them out.
My family is away and I am here alone, writing a bunch of nonsense. Loathing myself and my inability to take advantage of others. It's a nice day and I should be out enjoying the only people I should ever really care about, but I'm too ashamed of myself to be around them. I feel like I don't deserve the family I've helped create. I'm ashamed even as I write this but I have to be relentless with myself. Even with nothing I still have everything to lose if I don't just get with the fucking program and figure this out.
I can't be jealous anymore, I can't look at something someone else has and become bitter. It's not productive, but damnit if I can't help it.
I wish I could end this on a more positive note, but I'm really not feeling ok right now.
But I'll get better, I always do.