04/25/2025

Falling Down & Getting Back Up

~ Falling Down ~

I've been better. I've had to come to terms with several harsh realities about myself. Mainly that I'm not as smart as I think I am, constantly shadowboxing with ideas and thinking 'This is it! This is the project that's going to make my life SO much better!'.
Really tricking myself into thinking the answer is so easy - as if it were, then anybody would still be depressed or poor. I've been absolutely delusional the last few weeks and remained entranced. I couldn't snap myself out of it, it feels so good to sit in this chair and pretend I don't exist to anyone. But I do exist, and I have things that I need to tend to, no matter how decomposed they've become in my negligence.

I have fallen down, face-first, in the muddy pit of a flowerbed that I planted and now it has been left to the weeds and the weevils. I have (for the time being) given up on my pursuit of running a successful business. I've always had it in my head that, somehow, without any starting capital and next to zero experience at business management, that I was going to be able to establish myself as a competitor in this economy. Allow me to vent some broad, general frustrations at all the nepo-babies and crooks that are insanely good (depending on your perspective of 'good') at spending other peoples' money at such a high level and still manage to never be held accountable for it. From the position of a nerd at his desk who can't do much except punch up in a text doc, it seems like to be 'good' at managing a project, you also need to be 'good' at redirecting criticism and failure towards anyone other than yourself.

I'm not innocent, I do the same thing but at a much smaller and much more personal & passionate level. Woah is me, who sits here and cries at the sky when things don't go my way. I could only wish that I had the resources to blame anyone other than myself for my mistakes and shortcomings. I'm jealous that they get away with it, and I'm not so morally superior to say that I wouldn't do the same in their position. But I am facing the consequences of my actions, the consequences of my ill-prepared and self-aggrandizing (had to google how to spell that) ventures.
Now, this wouldn't be so bad if I were the only person to reap the benefits of my fuck-ups. But I am not alone and I carry the weight of others who deserve better. They deserve a better version of myself than who I have been lately; and I have not done enough for them to deserve the title of 'father' or 'husband', though that's the title I've been blessed with.

I've been slacking on the schooling I've been paying for. I have been ill-tempered and impatient towards the ones that rely on me to be a bulwark against the evil of this world. I have faltered even as a friend, withdrawing myself from the support group that may have needed me just as much as I needed them. It's as if I have stranded myself on an island with all the tools to build a boat, but I can't bring myself to start building because the weather isn't perfect. The days I have wasted, seeking shelter in this harsh environment instead of just building the goddamn boat. I could've been out to sea by now, I could've been back home. But no, I sit in my pity, watching the raindrops fall off of the lean-to shack I've built for myself out of twigs and mud. As if it would be better to sit and risk succumbing to my hunger while waiting for help.
At some point - and this might sound cliche - but at some point you have to realize that you will die before anyone wastes the resources they need to get off their own island to come help you off of yours.
Just build the goddamn boat.

~ Getting Up ~

"If you're not effective while unhappy, you're useless...you have to be creating while you're suffering." - Sam Hyde

If you know who Sam is, don't worry I'm not going to go on some weird red-pilled, self-help rant here. I just really liked that quote and thats what stuck with me, among other things, to get me back to doing literally ANYTHING besides sitting around and waiting to die. If you've ever been stuck in a depressive sinkhole, you may understand that the days really melted together for me. I feel like I was just stuck in an idle animation for 3 weeks. Wake up, be angry, stay angry through every motion of my day, smoke as much weed as my scarred throat can handle because it's 'helping me get through this', then sit in absolute isolation until I couldn't stay awake anymore.
I've been jobless, sitting in my chair playing Warcraft 3 and watching YouTube. I'm just now coming out on the other side of it and felt the need to catalogue it here ASAP (or at least the cool parts now).

I started sketching again. I'm not good at it. A lot better than I ever was, but I wouldn't call it 'good' when referencing traditional, cleaner art. I believe the more of life you actually experience, the better an artist you become, as well as actually picking up the pencil. Here's a few sketches I've done since I started again:

I've calmed way down on smoking weed. No matter how much people try to defend the plant online, the rule 'everything in moderation' still applies. Maybe some people out there can function stoned all the time but I'm pretty sure the number is way fewer. Weed is way stronger now than it was even when I was a kid. I think, unless your brain is wired a certain way, to be THAT high all the time has gotta lead to some kind of psychosis. I feel better, a lot more productive, a lot more aware. Basically, how a normal person should feel when their brain isn't constantly navigating through fog.

I've started exercising and reading again. Nothing hardcore, nothing too obscure. I've gotten back into doing push-ups, sit-ups, and some light running. 4 days a week I've been trying to make it a habit to get 100 push-ups in at least. I do sit-ups (or whatever other ab workout gets me sweating) until it burns pretty good. When I say 'light running' I really mean it, I can't get to the end of my street without hacking up a lung and stopping to walk it out. For reference I live at the beginning of a dead-end road. Round-trip I'd say i'm barely breaking a tenth of a mile, and that's still pretty generous.

My reading has been light. I've picked up Dostoevsky's 'Notes From Underground' again, as well as my bigass book of Lovecraft. I've had the former for years, back when I was going through the edgy, nihilistic phase of my life where I thought being a philosopher was a good lifestyle decision. Just another passing, seasonal phase I go through but one I regret way less than others. I've even gotten back into reading the Bible as well to fulfill anything in me longing for a spiritual connection. I can't sit here and say one way or the other how many passages I truly believe in or if they are simply there as hyperbolic metaphors of being a 'good person'. I can say that there are many passages of the Bible (not including the chapters that name entire lineages of kings & detailed instructions on building tabernacles) that read like poetry and really make my brain fire off.

Just a few verses out of context that I think just go hard:

Finally, they said, "Who are you?
Give us an answer to take back to those who sent us. What do you say about yourself?"
John replied in the words of Isaiah the prophet:
"I am the voice of one calling in the wilderness,
'Make straight the way for the Lord'"

~John 1:22-23

Do you see a man skilled in his work?
He will serve before kings;
he will not serve before obscure men.

~Proverbs 22:29

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who appease wickedness by suppressing truth.
Since what may be known to them about God is plain to see, because God has made it plain to them.
For since the creation of the world, God's invisible qualities - His eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

~Romans 1:18

I've also been journaling. As you can see from the sketches, I've been keeping my notebook nearby. Making a conscious effort to use it a lot more, trying to keep my brain busy with creating or writing, consuming content that isn't trying to monetize my attention (besides YouTube). I've deleted my social media accounts, I've quit playing music with my band, I've quit hanging out around bars, I'm even making an attempt to get my nicotine consumption down by switching from vapes to pouches. This website (thanks Neocities!) has been my way to still put stuff out there into the void for any passers-by to view. Almost like window shopping through my thoughts.

Like what you see here? No? Maybe? You've made it this far and I appreciate your time. I feel validated now.

But seriously, as much as I've internally scoffed and put my nose up at the idea of journaling actually benefitting me in any way, it has genuinely been helping. Not like journaling is single-handedly saving my life or anything, but I believe it works in synergy with other wholesome habits. I do like seeing this little book get filled out more and more as I go. It is satisfying seeing that I'm halfway through it with nothing but my own thoughts, sketches, and curated quotes. It's all for me and possibly my children one day after I'm long gone. Maybe they might find it interesting to see what was going on in their dads brain while they saw him sulking in his chair every other month. Maybe they'll read it and think I'm just full of excuses and I should've done better. I guess the only way to keep that from happening is to write happier stories, right?

o/